sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize