shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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