and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
