Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
