He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Randomize
