Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
