do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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