dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
