i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
