Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
