Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
