there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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