Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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