I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
