god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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