so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
So much Jack, so little girl.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
