Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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