Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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