Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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