Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
