i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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