What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
