Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
So much rum. So many feels.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
