You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
