Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
