Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize