Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize