So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
