If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
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