On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
