Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
