Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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