he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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