I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
