I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
should my penis look like a turkey
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
