saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
