id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
