It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
