your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
