we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize