are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
