If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize
