I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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