Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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