when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
