they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
