I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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