btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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