I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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