can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
