there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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