i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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