The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
