I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
