my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
