The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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