I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
