You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
We need a shit load of segways right now
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
