my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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