i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
