My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Randomize
