My boss' voice literally gives me gas
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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