We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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