dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
