do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
