He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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