I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
