New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
