dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
