We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
