My sheets look like a crime scene.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
